


live by love though the stars walk backward

by philindas



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 09:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philindas/pseuds/philindas
Summary: An 0-8-4 forces Melinda to relive the same day over and over again, unable to break the loop despite her best efforts.





	live by love though the stars walk backward

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nessnessquik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessnessquik/gifts).



> This fic was all Ness's idea, she just gave me permission to write it. I changed a few things, but pretty much stuck to the idea she outlined on twitter! Title is from an ee cummings poem.

She wakes up with a pounding headache.

She could have sworn she’d been mid-mission, searching for a dangerous 0-8-4, but the memory is too blurry, and she’s in her bed on base, not the middle of a laboratory; she chalks it up to a bad dream and continues with her morning routine. Daisy joins her for tai chi, and Fitz and Jemma make breakfast for everyone in the kitchen, so she pushes the strange déjà vu she feels.

Melinda trains with Piper and the recruits for a bit- they’re getting better, she can’t help but notice proudly, though Kingston still steps wrong on his spinning kick and winds up faceplanting on the mat during a drill, to everyone’s amusement. She drills them for most of the morning, and when she’s nearly done, feels rather than sees Phil’s presence in the doorway to the training room, watching her.

“Lunch?” he asks, and Melinda nods as she gathers her things, leaving the trainees chattering behind her. “I was thinking pasta.”

“I could go for pasta. With alfredo?” she asks, and Phil smiles as he nods, fingers brushing her gently as they walked side by side through the halls.

“How’re the cadets?”

“Good. Less green. They’re getting better,” she answers, following him into the kitchen- it’s empty, so she starts pulling out ingredients for salads while Phil sets a pot of water to boil on the stove. “I didn’t know how much I’d like being in charge of them all, but I actually kind of like it.”

“You’re a really good teacher Mel,” Phil tells her, giving her a warm smile as she chops up a cucumber. She flushes without thinking, dropping her gaze to her knife and adding the diced pieces to a bowl of lettuce before starting in on a few carrots. “Fitzsimmons have been working in the lab with some of the new Inhumans for the Index, Daisy seems really pleased with their progress.”

Melinda nods, but frowns- she can’t for the life of her remember who Daisy had brought in on her last mission. She opens her mouth to ask, but Phil speaks again.

“Daisy rented the new Star Trek movie- want to watch it later?” he asks, and her heart beats a little faster in her chest- she nods, lips curving into a tiny smile at the pleased blush that causes Phil’s cheeks to flush pink.

“I’d like that,” she tells him, and he grins before he focuses on the pasta he’s stirring, eyeing the clock to be sure he didn’t overcook it.

Lunch is filled with easy conversation and delicious pasta, and then Melinda spends her afternoon filling out evaluations of her trainees. It’s tedious, but she finds she likes talking about how much her students have grown and strengthened- it feels good to know she’s preparing these agents for the field. She spends some time with the heavy bag on her own before dinner, and takes a quick shower, tugging her damp hair up into ponytail as she makes her way to the kitchen.

The rest of the team was gathered together already, and Daisy handed her a beer with a smile.

“Fitz and Simmons made pork chops and mashed potatoes with green beans,” she tells her as Melinda settled into the only free seat between Phil and Mack and across from Daisy, and the scientist couple passed out plates of food. “How was your day?”

“Lots of training. Kicked Piper’s ass,” she replied, and Daisy laughed, picking up her knife and fork. “Yours?”

“I am so sick of senators,” she complains, lifting a piece of meat to her lips and letting out a happy groan. “Jemma, this is amazing.”

“Fitz found the recipe. I quite like team dinner,” the scientist beamed, patting Fitz’s hand and picking up her wine.

Melinda listens as the rest of the team chatters about their day, but her mind is mostly on the promise of another quiet moment with Phil later. The words to admit how she feels constantly sit in the center of her chest, but it’s not the time- it’s never the time to tell him. They have to save the world or protect their team or one thing or another; it’s never time for them to be honest. She’s used to it- she has to be.

She wishes they could forget the boundaries as she watches Phil fiddle with the DVD player later that evening, though- wishes when he came to sit down she could press into his side the way she wanted to. He leaves a small sliver of space though as the previews start, and Melinda settles in with the popcorn she’d made.

“I don’t see it,” Phil commented as the movie started, and Melinda looked at him in confusion. “All Daisy could talk about was how attractive Chris Pine is.”

Melinda snorted, throwing popcorn at him as he tried to duck away, laughing.

The movie is captivating, but Melinda finds her long day draining her, and her eyes start to close before she means for them to. A strange, buzzing headache fills her head, and she sighs as she slips into sleep.

She wakes up in bed, alarm blaring.

She frowns, rubbing at her eyes as she turns off the alarm, head pounding in her temples. She vividly recalls falling asleep on the couch, and there’s no way Phil carried her to bed without her waking up. Melinda glances down, eyes widening at the clothes she remembers waking up in on her body once more.

It takes her longer than usual to get ready and make her way to tai chi- Daisy’s already started without her, which has never, as long as she can remember, happened. She misses too many steps, finding herself in a daze as she struggles to figure out why everything feels so familiar and off at the same time.

She walks into the kitchen to find Jemma and Fitz serving breakfast- pancakes and eggs and bacon. Just like yesterday.

“Good morning May!” Jemma calls, beaming. “I left the kettle on for your tea, should be all set.”

The words are an exact mirror to what she’d been told yesterday morning- but to be fair, it was part of the morning routine.

Phil touches her arm in concern, and her head shoots up to find his blue eyes looking at her softly, eyebrows crinkled. “You okay?”

Melinda nods jerkily, fingers tightening around her fork as the rest of the team talks around her. It’s just a similar day- it happens a lot when they’re stuck on base. It’s a routine. It’s not abnormal.

She’s watching the trainees spar when it happens- Kingston goes to do a spinning kick when he steps wrong and face plants. The entire room laughs, but Melinda’s heart beats loudly in her ears.

She’s lived this day- this exact day. It’s not just déjà vu- it’s the same day.

Phil appears in the doorway, and she just wants something to make sense.

“This is the same day,” she tells him once she’s dismissed the cadets, and Phil frowns, looking at her. “This day. We lived it yesterday.”

“No- yesterday was Thursday. Today is Friday,” Phil says slowly, and Melinda shakes her head, grasping his upper arms.

“No, Phil, you don’t understand- I lived this exact day yesterday. Jemma and Fitz making breakfast, Kingston face planting. It’s the exact same,” Melinda tries to explain, but Phil’s eyes only darken in concern. “Like- I knew you were coming to ask if I wanted to have lunch with you.”

“I ask you if you want to have lunch almost every day,” Phil replies, but Melinda shakes her head.

“Pasta. With alfredo sauce,” she adds, and Phil’s face finally changes.

“How…”

“I’ve lived this day, Phil. Later you’re going to ask if I want to watch the new Star Trek movie Daisy rented. I make popcorn,” Melinda tells him, grip on his arms tightening.

“What can I do?” Phil asks, and Melinda shrugs, helpless.

“I don’t know,” she whispers, and Phil tugs her to his chest, hand coming to cup the back of her head.

“It’s okay- we’ll figure it out,” he murmurs, and Melinda lets her eyes shut. “Let’s take the afternoon off. Watch that movie now.”

“Okay,” she whispered, collecting her emotions and straightening up. Phil takes her hand and leads her into one of the dark living rooms; she sinks onto the couch as Phil starts the DVD and settles down next to her. He hesitates a moment before he tugs her into his chest- she goes willingly, too overwhelmed and on edge to keep her guard up.

She closes her eyes, concentrating on his heart beat, and doesn’t even realize she’s falling asleep until-

She wakes up in her own bed, alarm blaring.

Melinda smacks the alarm off and runs her hands through her hair, letting out an irritated grunt. “Why? Why again? Why this day?”

She doesn’t have an answer though, so she simply gets out of bed, into her tai chi gear, and meets Daisy in the training room.

She goes through the motions, and then follows Daisy to the kitchen. Jemma looks up, smiling, and opens her mouth.

“You left the kettle on for my tea. Thanks Jemma,” Melinda says before Jemma can speak- the scientist blinks, stunned, as Melinda steps into the kitchen and makes her tea. She can feel Phil looking at her, but she’s tired and she can feel how worn she is from repeating this day- she’s losing the strength to hold their boundaries in place.

“Watch your step, Kingston,” Melinda warns the trainee this time- he doesn’t fall, and the rest of the training session goes smoothly.

She has lunch with Phil, who seems to sense something is off, but she snaps at him and he backs off. The rest of the day goes the same, right up until she falls asleep on the couch watching the movie with Phil-

And wakes up, once again, to her alarm blaring and head pounding.

She tries everything.

She skips tai chi. She skips breakfast. She cancels training. She stays in bed. She yells, she screams, she cries. Nothing works. She just keeps waking up to her god damn alarm, over and over and over again.

One morning, she tells herself to be honest. To say whatever she wants to say- they won’t remember anyway.

“You are the strongest, most capable woman I’ve ever met,” she tells Daisy before they do tai chi, grasping her shoulders and cupping her jaw, keeping her gaze steady. “Stop beating yourself up. You deserve to be happy, and live a full life. Stop sabotaging your happiness, Daisy. I love you like a daughter, and I want to see you shine.”

The younger woman’s dark eyes fill with tears, and Melinda hugs her tightly, stroking through her hair as she taking a few shuddering breaths in her neck.

It doesn’t change anything, and she still wakes up to her alarm blaring.

It’s been dozens of repeats of the same day over and over and over again, and she’s so tired. She’s tried everything- or at least, almost everything. Finally, after so many attempts and avoiding the only option she hasn’t tried, she gives in.

Instead of tai chi, Melinda goes to Phil’s room- she knows he’s awake, having never been able to sleep in very late. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself, and knocks.

Phil answers the door, dressed in blue plaid pajama pants and an old, faded SHIELD Academy shirt- he looks surprised to see her, but pleased. “May? Is something wrong?”

“I love you,” she blurts out, watching his eyes widen in shock. “I’m in love with you, I’ve been in love with you, and I can’t imagine a time when I won’t be in love with you. I’m tired of boundaries. I’m tired of pretending we don’t have feelings for each other. It’s been too long, and we’ve spent so much time-”

She’s interrupted by Phil’s mouth on hers, and she gasps, sinking into the kiss, hands coming up to grasp his shoulders. Melinda sighs, melting into him, and she can’t believe they spent so long denying themselves this. She has years, decades to make up for, decades of kissing and touching and hearing him sigh her name into her mouth in a voice she’s never heard before.

“I’ve loved you for so long,” he tells her when they break apart, foreheads touching and sharing breath. “I wanted to tell you, but I was scared to change things.”

“It’s time to stop being scared,” she murmurs, fingers touching his cheek. Phil smiles, bending to kiss her again before he pulls her into his room, shutting the door behind them.

_

She wakes up in Freelance Labs to Jemma hovering over her, eyes filled with concern as she took her vitals.

“May? May, are you awake?” she asks loudly, and Melinda nods, blinking her eyes at the bright light the scientist shines in them. “The 0-8-4 went off when you touched it and you became unconscious, it’s been nearly an hour.”

“Where’s Phil?” she asks, voice hoarse, and Jemma blinks before she looks up.

“Sir? Sir, she’s awake!” she calls, and Melinda can hear footsteps moments before warm hands touch hers, helping her sit up.

“Mel? How do you feel?” he asks, blue eyes dark with concern, and Melinda simply looks at him for a moment before she leans forward and presses her mouth to his.

There’s a moment where the world stands still, but then his hand is sliding into her hair and teeth are sinking into her bottom lip. The rest of the room tunes out, and it makes all those relived days worth it- to know he loves her too, to know neither of them want to waste any more time.

“Not that I am even remotely complaining, but- what was that for?” he asks when they part, breathless. Melinda smiles, lifting a hand to touch his cheek, stroking over the skin.

 “I lived the same day too many times, and all it taught me is I don’t want to waste any more time,” she answers simply. “I love you. I always have.”

The smile that overtakes his face is all-encompassing and warm, and Melinda thinks she could stand to relive a million days to see him looking at her like that.


End file.
